Working with grieving children on a daily basis, I and the members of my team have the unique opportunity to see what grief looks like through their eyes. The perspective they provide is incredible and gives us the information we need to create programming to meet their needs. Yes, we rely on theory and research but we have all personally learned more from our young participants as they share their experiences with us.
Children from the beginning of time have always been part of the circle of life, from birth to death. But for several decades, society decided that children needed “to be seen and not heard” and they became sheltered from natural experiences. At times, we even sent children away when new babies were arriving in the world or when someone was dying. This created a level of confusion and mystery around these natural processes, and today, we still have grown adults who remember the angst they experienced when they were left out. We began to exclude them from conversations, presented them with incomplete facts when they asked questions, and learned the skill of quickly drying our tears when they entered a room.
In our Expressive Arts program at the Pilgrims Hospice, we provide bereavement support to children, teens and adults. Using art, music, puppetry, writing and play, and participants as young as four years old explore the grief journey in a supportive and fun environment. Children and teens often have a difficult time talking about how they are feeling when grief is a new experience in their life. Something as simple as sitting in a circle with other children who have experienced the death of someone they love, gives them a sense of belonging at a time when they often feel so alone. Using the creative mediums in our classroom, or if we are working with them individually, tells us how they are feeling by the art or music they create. Sometimes their words do come through loud and clear, once they feel comfortable and we’ve given them the tools for conversation and expression.
Recently, we had a young girl in our children’s group while her mom attended the parent session. Tears are often a big topic that we have to deal with for both groups. For children, crying is something they are often told not to do. And yet when someone dies, parents can become quite concerned if they don’t witness their child weeping in great amounts. When we explain how healing tears are and that it is a natural process, children are often able to express their grief with tears. It is important for adults to realize that children also express their grief in other ways. By having conversations around the importance of tears, we can help families understand the benefits of each family member being able to express their thoughts, feelings and actions in a safe way; a way that brings comfort to all. Her mom shared with us how the information we provided was so helpful for her – but it was when the same message came to her from her young daughter, she then knew they were on the road to healing.
“I thought I was helping her if I didn’t let her see me cry. But then she told me that in class, she learned that tears are healing. I realized in that moment that I was trying to keep the pain away from her by drying my tears anytime she was near or crying when she was not home. But what I was doing was creating more hurt and confusion for her in denying her the chance to know that I was sad too that her dad, my husband, had died. Once I figured that out, I slowly began to show her my feelings too. And now we can cry together and comfort each other, instead of grieving so separately.”
Ah, the wisdom of a child! There is so much they can teach us but when it comes to grief, children and teens are truly the leaders.
Submitted by
Cheryl Salter-Roberts, Manager
Expressive Arts for Grieving Children, Teens and Families
